


Jan Valentine Will Fuck Anything (McChicken Edition)

by SaintRabies



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Fucking McChicken, Horny, Luke Valentine - Freeform, Other, mcchicken, mcdonalds, valentine brothers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:27:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28246152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaintRabies/pseuds/SaintRabies
Summary: Jan Valentine got really horny and the McChicken was just there.
Relationships: Jan Valentine/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Jan Valentine Will Fuck Anything (McChicken Edition)

_"Ugh, I'm so horny."_ Jan thought aloud while sitting in his room. He'd had a raging hard on for about a solid hour now. _"And I haven't found any hot bitches recently to have sex with!"_

Maybe to most this wasn't an actual problem, but to him it very much was. He _needed_ something to put his dick in and give him the release he needed. 

_"What should I do?"_ That was the big question here, wasn't it? What _should_ he do about his predicament? Hmm. He continued to think on the matter as he reached for the McDonald's bag he'd gotten earlier with his McChicken and fry combo. His appetite for actual food had been near diminished by his appetite for the nice, wet pussy of a hot bitch - but hot food would have to do for now. Maybe after eating something the pulsating cock in his pants would calm down. 

Opening the bag (with hands he would've much rather been jerking his cock with), he was greeted with a lukewarm chicken sandwich with extra mayo. Why couldn't these fast food corporate fucks come up with a way to keep this shit warm!? Then again, it's not like anyone cared much. He certainly didn't. 

Holding the barely warm sandwich, he got an idea....

_"It can't be that bad, can it? It's got extra mayo..."_ The wrapper proceed to crinkle in his hands as he undid that bitch like it was Christmas morning. _"Mayonnaise tastes like coochie."_ He stated with a mental shrug. This could be exactly what he needed. 

Despite the McChicken being only slightly warm, it was admittedly a very beautiful piece of food. It had that crispy golden breading on two soggy lightly toasted buns, adorned with discolored shredded iceberg lettuce, and that sweet, sweet mayonnaise coating. _"Man, I would love to fuck this sandwich. I think I will."_

Even though he had only said it to himself, it seemed like it was a major deciding factor in the way of the universe. He had made the choice to fuck his McChicken sandwich and all its diabetic glory. He held the poverty meal in his right hand as his left moved to undo his belt that held his pants up, making quick work of the fly and causing the tent in his boxers to press through the opening for some semblance of an escape route. And his cock got it's wish; being freed from the constraints of his undergarments and springing to attention through the unzipped fly - a throbbing, tanned mass waiting to be coated in cream until it released its own. 

_"I'm gonna fuck the shit out of this McChicken!"_ He thought as he chuckled to himself, positioning the tip of his tastefully pierced cock between the top bun and the breaded chicken itself. "Come here babygirl, get on this cock." he whispered to the sandwich as he began to slip the aforementioned member right into the mess of mayonnaise and lettuce. 

He had only just inserted his cock into the McChicken, but couldn't help but groan at the sensation! It was the exact amount of creamy and wet he had been asking for! _"God it's so hot!_ " he thought as he shifted it in his hands to keep everything together in the edible pleasure toy. He started off gently just to be sure the contents of the McChicken would stay in place, lightly pumping the sandwich up and down the length of his shaft as he began to pleasure himself with it. 

"Oh yeah..." he groaned out in small, short, repeated breaths accompanied with light moaning as he made it work his shaft like a fleshlight. But the warmth was something he could only get from a living being, and that somehow made it all the more intoxicating - to have a warm toy that emulated a living energy at his disposal. _"This is so warm and tight! It actually feels better than a pussy!"_ he mused to himself, but that may have been because it was something he had full and total control over. He couldn't help but become more eager for the strokes as the pumps of his cock made the same wet noises in the mayo it would've inside an actual vagina. 

"Oh yeah, ride this dick babygirl..." he breathed out as he began to lay back against a pillow for more support and allowing him more leverage to go as fast and as hard as he wanted to without worry of making a complete mess of mayonnaise on the carpeting. The frequency of the wet sounds gradually increased as he continued to please his own cock, imagining it was the warm pussy of his dream woman... which was hard to pinpoint exactly as he would fuck nearly anything that walks, but it was a good starting substitute for a willing pussy who'd let him do anything he wanted. He imagined holding a woman by the hips as he thrust in and out of the sandwich in his fist, admiring the texture against his tip and the abundance of mayonnaise keeping everything nice and wet. _"I've never fucked a girl that was this wet before!"_ the strokes felt absolutely enchanting and he noticed the bread of the buns had begun to flake under his grip. Absolutely wrecking her walls. 

The light smacking noises that came with the friction was the only sound in the room aside from his regulated breaths and moans, eager to get as much out his alone time as he could, thus beginning to go deeper and harder; ramming his cock in between the buns and breaded chicken and feeling the tip of his mayonnaise-wet cock hit the air before being pulled back through the warmth was a whole new sensation to him. And he admittedly loved it. He took moment to set the bottom, dry bun aside as it wasn't in use before using just the breaded chicken patty itself and the wet mayo and lettuce drenched top bun to continue working his pulsating cock towards an orgasm. The bed beneath him began to creak with every in and out thrust in the McChicken as he sped up the process and harshly worked his cock in and out of it. 

He admired how wet and squishy the whole mess was as he moaned out - rather loudly at that - **_"Oh fuck yes bitch!"_** as one last hard jerk through the McChicken made him reach a climax like he had never experienced before, and subsequently adding his salty man milk to the diabetic mess of breaded fake meat, shitty lettuce, and vinegar and egg white. The release caused his breath to hitch in his throat as his body seeming to give out. He became hyper aware of the sweat that was now dripping down his forehead as he set the sandwich back together and laid it in it's wrapper before he looked at his mayo covered hand and cock. 

Using the shitty, thin, biodegrade napkins that came with his order, he wiped off his hand and cock and stared blankly at the ceiling for a moment. The sandwich had certainly served part of it's purpose; pleasure. Just not the exact pleasure one would think. Though just the same, he found that having received release from his sexual appetite, had upped his usual appetite as well. Sitting up, he took care to put his pants and belt back in order (taking care not to snag his piercing on the zipper) before he gazed at the McChicken beside him with now hungry eyes. 

_"It can't be that bad, can it? It's got **extra** mayo..." _the thought once again returned as he picked it up, and took a bite out of it. 

Yep, not much difference. Wouldn't have been a surprise if McDonald's came in all their McChickens. 


End file.
